You are not alone.
For years, I struggled with my self esteem, doing the work I wanted to do, and my relationships.
I believed I was not good enough - so I constantly shamed myself for how I looked, for the mistakes I made, and for not being like other people. I injured myself in the gym. I overwhelmed myself with responsibilities. I couldn’t smile at myself in the mirror. I was obsessed with success, being “masculine,” being right, and being attractive. I didn’t value me.
I believed I was not good enough to create what I love. I felt what I loved was not valuable. I felt I was damned to fail. I destroyed my awards and art. I looked at other people doing what I wanted to do with frustration towards myself. I spent so much time trying to get permission to do what I wanted. For over ten years, I didn’t build what I love.
I believed I had to prove myself in my relationships. I didn’t speak up about what bothered me. I believed to love meant to suffer and sacrifice what I value. I built up resentment that I released through passive aggression and infidelity. I focused on people’s emotions towards me instead of resolving the underlying issues. I ran away from my relationships.
Living like this was stressful and painful, so I looked for help.
I tried many things. I went to religious teachings. I met with a therapist, psychologist, and coach. I joined groups and retreats. I read various self-help and history I books. I studied psychology and therapy. I learned about different philosophies across the world.
I started my journey believing I was broken. But as I learned more, I realized I wasn’t broken.
My feelings and behaviors were to be expected. They were natural byproduct of the cultures I grew up. By culture, I mean:
my values (what I valued as most important)
beliefs about myself (body, emotion, identity, etc)
beliefs about others
beliefs about life
As I shifted my culture, I reached a peace and confidence I had always wanted. I finally started building my life around doing the creative work I love. I’m building a life with someone who loves me as I am and friends who add to my joy and confidence.
I didn’t become massively successful. I didn’t become insanely talented or skills. I didn’t build a six pack or have “everything a man should.”
I began to live my life with more love for myself, people around me, and life itself.
I stopped criticizing. I appreciated more. I stopped demanding perfection. I focused more on progress and learning. I stopped seeing people as threats. I started seeing people as fellow learners. I stopped competing. I focused more on supporting each other.
Life became less of about “me” and became more about “us.”
I recognized so many of the good things in my life came from my ancestors, other people’s ancestors, people around me, and nature. We rely on each other — the delivery person who brings our orders, the farmer who grows the food we eat, the people who manage the electricity system, and so many more people we’ve never met.
But we all didn’t get these messages…
So many of us suffer from perfection, anxiety, inferiority, and many more things. Not because we are broken. But because the ideas we’ve received from society, parents, music, film, and other influencers filled us with a toxic culture.
Just looking around we can see so many of our brothers and sisters cutting their life short, hurting themselves, hurting others, and trying to down out the pain.
About Tomas
Mexican American, from Los Angeles
10+ years as educator
Award winning artist, speaker, designer
Entrepreneur and former accelerator program manager
Across my life, my deepest suffering and causes for harming others stemmed from layers of beliefs and attitudes taught to me and reinforced in me. With therapy, psychiatrists, many books, and many experiences I was able to unravel those beliefs and the harmful behaviors they inspired. Over time, I replaced those beliefs with empowering truths that support me in growing the living I always sought while also nurturing others.
Across my journey I recognized a wide variety of people living as I once did, while constantly seeking to build a life they love, but held back. I saw that if we were all to arrive at the life we love while also loving one another even more, our communities could thrive together.
This inspired me to begin providing coaching support to help people build the life we love with:
Workshops - Lectures - Coaching - Art Installations
On the topics of:
Confidence - Relationships - Passions